


I Love the Way You Survive

by Ggeri_Sminth



Series: ShikaNeji Love [6]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Caring Shikamaru, Depressed Neji, Depression, Don’t copy to another site, Hurt Neji, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Past Shikamaru Nara/ Temari, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-27 16:30:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18742780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ggeri_Sminth/pseuds/Ggeri_Sminth
Summary: “I love you and it’s terrifying.” And “I can’t believe I was stupid enough to fall in love with my best friend.”Neji Loves Shikamaru. Shikamaru Loves Neji. Neji knows this, but he is dead set sure that the love Shikamaru has for him isn't the same as the love he has for Shikamaru.





	I Love the Way You Survive

Neji was afraid and hurt and well in pain in general. He knew that it was a stupid idea to sleep with his best friend, that it would hurt even more once the deed was done and there was nothing more to it. He was so in love with the man that it was terrifying, and he was ashamed that he couldn’t even get the courage up to tell him, but he could convince him to sleep with him. It didn’t matter that Neji was the one that left after, waited till he fell asleep and then left. It would be better this way because once the other woke up he would be ashamed of what he had done and Neji could ease that burden by leaving.

And now that he is in his own room across town Neji is in tears because he knows that he made a mistake, and he wants to call and beg for forgiveness or just go back in time and make sure that it never happens in the first place. It’s stupid of him but that’s the way he feels. It’s the dead of the night and his finger is hovering over the call button. He doesn’t hit it though; it will be better this way he tells himself as he curls up in bed knowing that it’s going to be a restless night for him.

When Neji wakes up in the morning there are no missed calls or texts and it breaks his heart even more. He knows that the other is awake they must work in the morning and no matter how lazy he can be he is never late for work. Neji doesn’t do much the whole day, he takes a shower and eats but other than that he spends it in bed. There are no calls and no texts. He should have received one by now. The rest of the week goes by similarly Neji goes to work and he doesn’t get a single phone call or text. By Saturday he can’t take it anymore and, in a tear, induced frenzy he ends up hitting the call button.

Surprisingly the other picks up, “Hello” His voice is groggy and Neji wonders what time it is.

“Shikamaru,” Neji knows his voice is broken and he is sniffling into the mic, he can’t help it. He is so upset.

Shikamaru sighs, “Yes?”

Neji thinks that it sounds bitter and Neji wouldn’t be surprised, “’m sorry… please, I miss you.”

The phone is silent for a second before Neji hears Shikamaru sigh, “I’m getting up and coming over. Be there in ten.” Then the phone goes silent and Neji isn’t sure if that is what he wanted or not.

Shikamaru doesn’t have to work in the morning so there is always that, but he sounded tired and upset. As he looks over at the clock Neji can understand why it’s 4 in the morning. Neji hadn’t even realized that he had been such a tear stated frenzy for so long. He supposes that it will be better once Shikamaru gets here. He will explain that it was all a mistake and that he wants them to go back to being friends, that he can’t live without his friend. His best friend.

Ten minutes later just as Shikamaru stated the door to his apartment opened and then closed again. Neji stayed in his room and he wondered if Shikamaru would make his way back there or just give up. Would he even be worth it? After what seemed like forever but was only a few minutes Shikamaru joined Neji in his room carrying cups of hot tea. He sets them down on the nightstand before sitting on the edge of the bed. Neji is quick to scoot over to give Shikamaru room while simultaneously getting a mug of tea.

He looks tired Neji notes and that doesn’t give him any comfort at all. Shikamaru just sighs softly as he picks up his own mug and sips it as he moves further onto the bed. He gives Neji and expectant look, he isn’t going to be the one to start this conversation.

“’m Sorry,” Neji mumbles softly once again.

“For what, I am drawing a blank on what you could possibly be sorry for.”

Neji knows that Shikamaru knows what he is talking about and it hurts that he has to say it out loud, but he will if only to get back his friend, “For sleeping with you… I took advantage of you and it was wrong, and I didn’t even stick around… ‘m sorry.”

Shikamaru’s nose wrinkles, “Well I wasn’t pleased to see that you weren’t there in the morning I suppose that I can forgive that. I suspect with the way you are acting you want everything to go back to the way it was… before you and I slept together.”

Neji nods his head, that isn’t what he wants but he can’t tell Shikamaru that what he wants is for Shikamaru to love him the way that he loves him. It’s a complicated thing that he has going on in his mind and he can’t help but wonder if it’s all his fault. He got his own complicated feelings thrown into the mix and it messed everything up.

“Well if we are going back to the way things are, I have a date tomorrow that I would actually like to be awake for.”

Neji doesn’t know if his face fell or not but Shikamaru wasn’t moving away as he would normally. He is just looking at Neji, almost as if he was studying him to see what he would do. Neji does his best not to move only to force a smile on his face, he needs to look happy for Shikamaru, his relationship with Temari had just ended. She had been cheating on him and it was bad, very difficult for Shikamaru. He hadn’t gotten out of the slump for over a month. When they had sex Shikamaru seemed to be getting better. Neji doesn’t know if he ruined it or not, but by the sounds of it, he hadn’t. Shikamaru was better and now he would be moving on.

Moving on without Neji, well not completely. They would still be friends and that is the way that it is supposed to be. They are only meant to be friends nothing more, this was proof of it. Shikamaru didn’t love Neji the way that Neji loved him.

“Go to sleep Neji, I’ll clean up the mugs and this mess and let myself out.”

Neji nods his head as Shikamaru slips off the bed and takes the mugs with him out of Neji’s room. On the way out he hits the lights and then pulls the door shut most of the way. Neji sits in the dark for a few minutes listening to the sound of Shikamaru cleaning up and wonders if it would be like this if they were together. If he could move into Shikamaru’s apartment and listen to the man do daily mundane activities and know that this man belonged to him and that he loved him no matter how many bad days Neji seemed to have. Neji isn’t sure, but he does know that this isn’t something that he can have now. He threw it all away and he knows it.

Finally, Neji hears the door to his apartment open and then shut. He is left in silence, Neji falls asleep wondering if he could have had this domestic bliss that Shikamaru seems to always shower him with whenever he is sad or in pain. The next morning, he awakes to a text message telling him to get out and do something, that the sun will be good for him. Neji huffs but does as he is told, Shikamaru always knows best and his advice should never be ignored. Shikamaru is right of course, the sunlight does him some good but Neji thinks that what does him the best is the constant text that he gets throughout the day from Shikamaru. Most of the time it’s advice, ‘Eat something,’ ‘Don’t forget to shower.’ So, on and so forth. This was how Shikamaru showed how much he loved Neji, he kept him going, but Neji knows that this love isn’t the same as his.

He doesn’t hear much from Shikamaru through the evening and he hopes that his date is going well. He doesn’t text him that would be rude and that night Neji goes to sleep with a wonder of what it would be like if Shikamaru would take him out on a date. Would he even want to be seen in public with him, a manic depressive that needs reminders to do some of the most basic of tasks just to live? Neji wonders if he would have made it this far in life if he hadn’t had Shikamaru as a friend since grade school.

The next couple of weeks go just about the same and Neji get the feeling that they are falling into their old pattern again, but at the same time, he can’t help but remember the feeling of Shikamaru’s lips on his. The soft and gentle touches that fluttered down his body as they had sex. It was nice and Neji would always remember the way it felt to be taken so softly. He would remember it as if it was his first, it was kinder and gentler and above all, it felt more personal than anything he had ever felt before. It wasn’t going to happen again. Neji had to make sure of that, his heart wouldn’t be able to take it if it did.

In a drunken spur Neji goes and messes it up all again, he calls Shikamaru in the middle of the night once more drunk off his ass and slurring his words. He knows that he should drink but tonight is special and usually, Shikamaru spends it with him. He can’t blame him for not though, he can’t always be around and Neji is going to have to learn how to cope sooner or later. He doesn’t even know what he said to Shikamaru if he gets him to come over or not because he passes out almost immediately after or maybe during the call. Did Shikamaru even pick up?

His question is answered by softly murmured words as he is picked up and carried to his bed. His clothing removed and a cold glass of water pressed into his hands as he is forced to drink it in his groggy state. Eyes still foggy as he presses himself into Shikamaru’s chest, he smells so good and Neji tells him this. Lips press into his hairline with promises that he will be there when Neji awakes and Neji slips back in unconsciousness with a thought that he might have said too much, but he isn’t sure.

When morning comes Neji’s head is killing him, but he wakes to find a glass of water on his nightstand next to a bottle of aspirin. He can hear noises coming from his kitchen and with a sharp slam everything from the night before hits him like a brick wall. Last night was the anniversary of his Uncles conviction. It’s always been hard for him and for years Shikamaru has always kept him company. The years he hadn’t Neji would always call Shikamaru in a drunk haze begging for him to come over and protect him. Last night had been no different in that aspect up until he had informed Shikamaru that he loved him, and over the phone at that.

Of course, like the blessing that Shikamaru is he came over. Picked Neji up, carried him to bed, stripped him of his clothing and forced water into him. What did Neji do to repay him, tried to kiss him and informed him that he smelled so good, that he wanted him to fuck him again? How was he even going to face him now, Neji wasn’t sure but he would try.

He slipped out of bed slowly his head still pounding as the scent of bacon reached his nose. Shikamaru was doing domestic things once more, Neji wished it would happen more often. He was quick to change, well as quick as he could be with a massive hangover and the pounding in his head. Neji crept out of his room trying to be as quiet as possible, he wanted the feeling of home to last as long as possible. Shikamaru, of course, did let that happen.

“I can hear you sneaking Neji, might as well face the music and come sit at the table I made breakfast.”

Neji huffed out a small whine before doing as he is told. Shikamaru looks tired Neji noted. He suspected it was due to the fact that he slept on Neji’s very uncomfortable couch instead of his own bed. He had promised to be there when Neji woke up and that he was. Neji sometimes hated it that Shikamaru is always true to his word. Shikamaru would be here because he said that he would. Neji hated it and yet he also loved it.

“Head hurts.”

Shikamaru rolled his eyes as he shook his head, “That is because you got knock out drunk… instead of calling me earlier in the evening. I would have come over.”

Neji shook his head, “This is date night… I couldn’t disturb you; you deserve to be happy too… I can suffer in silence.”

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow, “You say that, yet you called me drunk and then confessed your love. So, let’s try that again.”

“Please Shikamaru, everything hurt…”

Shikamaru sighed as he placed a plate of eggs and bacon in front of Neji along with a fork, “We are going to have this conversation whether you want to or not. You aren’t getting out of it, but I will wait till you have at last eaten before it happens.”

Neji whined but nodded his head in agreement thanking God for the peace if only for a little while that he would get before the world would go to hell and he would be left alone once more. Breakfast is eaten in silence another blessing, Shikamaru didn’t need to babble in the morning, unlike Naruto. Finally, the food is finished and Shikamaru is cleaning up, once again another domestic chore that Neji wishes would continue. It isn’t a comfortable silence though it’s tense and Neji knows that they need to get this out of the way or it’s only going to fester.

Shikamaru is the first to speak up, “Go sit in the living room and I will bring us some tea.”

Neji nods his head numbly, it was time. Minutes later Shikamaru sits down on the couch next to Neji handing him his cup, “Did you mean what you said when you called me last night.”

Neji blinked it would be easier to pretend that he doesn’t remember maybe Shikamaru would drop it, “I don’t remember what I said to you.”

Shikamaru growls, “Don’t you fucking lie to me Hyuga I know damn well you remember what you said so you better fucking answer the question honestly.”

Neji turns his head away so not to let Shikamaru see the tears, Neji hates it when Shikamaru is angry with him and he knows it was a mistake to lie to him he just didn’t want to have this conversation. He lets out a soft breath before whispering, “Yes.”

“Two months ago, when we had sex, that meant something to you didn’t it.”

“Yes.”

“Then why did you fucking leave?”

Neji took in a shuddering breath, “Because it was a mistake. Please, I’m sorry… I didn’t want you to know… I just you was there, and I wanted it so bad. Just once to feel what it felt like and… and I shouldn’t have done that.”

“You want to be with me sexually?”

“Yes.”

“Is that all is that why?”

Neji shook his head ‘no’ before turning towards Shikamaru his eyes brimming with tears, “I don’t just want you sexually… I want this…” he gestures to the room around him, “I want you to take care of me and love me… But I can’t have that… I’m sorry I didn’t mean to tell you… It was all a mistake.”

Shikamaru sighed softly, “You haven’t once asked me how I feel.”

Neji blinks he had just assumed that Shikamaru didn’t love him the same way. Obviously, Shikamaru loved him or he wouldn’t put up with him, but that was love as a brother not love like a lover. “I know you love me Shikamaru… just not the way that I love you.”

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow, “Again with the not asking.” There is frustration in his voice that makes Neji whine even more.

“Well,” Shikamaru asks, “are you going to ask me how I feel or are you going to just assume how I feel until I get irritated enough that I tell you myself.”

Neij bites his lip, “How do you feel about me Shikamaru, about this situation… about it all?”

Shikamaru sighs softly before lifting Neji’s head his hands pressed into Neji’s cheeks rubbing soft small circles into his skin, “God Neji I love you too,” he presses a soft kiss on his lips, “I really did think that you didn’t want me… You left Neji, you left me to wake up alone.”

Neji couldn’t stop the waterworks even if he tried, he fell forward burring his face in Shikamaru’s chest. He knew that his tears are soaking Shikamaru’s top, but he couldn’t stop even if he wanted it. The hand in his hair soothed him as well as Shikamaru’s soft words. He could have had this all this time if he hadn’t left. If he hadn’t let his anxiety get in the way of making a sensible decision. He was so sorry, he didn’t even know how to express it and at the same time so grateful, Shikamaru did love him the same way, the love wasn’t unrequited, and it made his heart jump for joy.

“You made it feel good,” Neji murmured into Shikamaru’s chest. “It was so soft, and I felt cherished. I should have realized sooner… I’m sorry Shika, I didn’t mean for you to feel unloved. I just didn’t want our friendship to end… I thought you would be regretful once you woke up. I couldn’t stand to see that in your eyes.”

“I will always cherish you Neji because I love you. I love everything about you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for all of you're love and support as well as reading. You can always hit me up on my Tumblr; Ggeri Sminth if you would like to chat or see what I might be up too. As always don't forget to Comment and Kudo! Thanks! ^^
> 
> Ggeri <3


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